Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize