I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
