Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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