please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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