Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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