I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
