Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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