I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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