Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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