As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
