I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
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she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.