TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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