if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
