yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
