i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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