im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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