Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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