Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
