This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
