You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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