Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
