Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
