Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
