all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
