Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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