Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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