shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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