We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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