If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
