The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
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I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
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I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize