I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
