WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
