the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
