oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
