Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
