you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
