You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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