I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
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is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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