I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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