my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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