I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize