I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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