I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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