Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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