Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
