i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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