my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.