Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
