Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
