he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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