i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
