wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
