I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
